so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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