There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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