I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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