Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
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