I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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