Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
