I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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