I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
