SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
