her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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