She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
