I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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