I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
