Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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