How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
