My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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