you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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