then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Jerry, you need to find god
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
