Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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