You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
