I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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