I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
