I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
