Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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