Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
