drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
