all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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