oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
