Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
