My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
