we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
