Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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