the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
