Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
