She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize