You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
how drunk are you?
Several
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
