There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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