I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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