i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
