I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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