I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
