Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
