Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
