I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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