cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
