I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
