I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
