I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
