my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
