she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
