puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
