as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
