I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
