woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
