Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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