I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dignity is for republicans.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
