If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize